Tonight, I grudgingly sat through War of the Worlds. I went with Mary and another couple because we wanted to do something and all the other movies looked like garbage.
The movie promised that I would be \”on the edge of my seat\”. And I was. But that was only because I was slumped so far into my chair that my butt was hanging over the edge of the seat.
With the exception of some truly incredible special effects, War of the Worlds is a major dud. Where do I begin?
First of all, I never really gave a rip about Tom Cruise\’s character. (What WAS his name, again?) He was obviously a selfish dirtbag dad who didn\’t really connect with his kids. His ex and her new husband drop off the rebellious teenage son and the little cow-eyed girl (yeah, she was cute and precocious). Before you know it, the aliens are attacking.
SPOILERS BELOW, if you care…
A cool storm forms in the sky. Lightning of some sort emits an electromagnetic pulse that kills everything mechanic, including all automobiles. Ok, so the aliens have planted these incredible \”tripod\” ships/landwalkers over a million years ago, before any people were on earth. And they are SO smart, they\’ve been waiting for just the right opportunity to come and wipe us out. Gee, if only Osama and the other terrorists would take this long to plan a coup.
These giant machines erupt from the ground, and the stupid people are all standing there… watching… waiting… thinking exactly WHAT, I don\’t know. And then the destruction begins. The earth shakes and breaks apart, the ground crumbles, buildings collapse, people get zapped with rays that leave only the dirty laundry floating about in the air. Ouch, that\’s gotta hurt.
Some people get smart and start running, but many are still standing around.. watching. Whatever. I think there would be more people dropping dead from heart attack or stroke than anything else. Our twinkie-filled arteries would guarantee that.
So Ray (yeah, that was Cruise\’s character…) grabs his family and finds the only car that works. He was smart enough to tell his mechanic buddy how to fix one of the cars and then he ends up taking the thing. Hey, don\’t say he didn\’t warn his mechanic buddy who was trying to stop him from taking the car. After all, he had just got done working on it and it wasn\’t his. But perhaps he was too stupid to see all the chaos around him. See what happens when you don\’t eat your wheaties, kids? Zap. Didn\’t see THAT coming.
Off they drive. Where are they going? Boston, of course. Because that\’s where the kid\’s mommy is. The world is coming to an end and Ray\’s big mission is to get to Boston.
These aliens were impenetrable. Indestructible. They had a force field around them that no arsenal could get through. It looked pretty grim for mankind.
Now, I am convinced that the aliens weren\’t really out to destoy all mankind. No, it was most definitely Tom Cruise that they were after. How do I know? Because everywhere he went, they were there. We\’ll be the safe in the house! Nope. An airplane just crashed into the house and aliens are coming for you. Let\’s get in the car. Uh oh. Aliens again. How about we drive to the ferry that crosses the Hudson River? Wouldn\’t you know it. More aliens. I know, we\’ll hide out in a house with Tim Robbins. Sure, he\’s freaky, but he wears it well. Shucks. Blasted aliens.
I\’m not sure if it was a personal vendetta for his role in Cocktail or if they are just mad him sharing the secrets of Scientology. Whatever the case is, couldn\’t they just abduct Tom Cruise one night while no one is looking. They can suck his brains out or whatever else they might find in there.
Anyhow, Cruise and his family are like cats with nine lives, escaping impossible situation after situation. It was all very believable. (Insert sarcasm here…)
We finally see the actual aliens outside their tripod ships in an incredibly boring and tedious scene inside a basement. And they look like Susan Sarandon! Just kidding. They look like.. every other alien you\’ve ever seen.
Mr. Spielberg. Attention, Steven Spielberg. We\’ve seen this movie before. Please come up with NEW alien looks for your next film or I\’m phoning home. Seriously, these guys looked remarkably like the aliens from Independence Day.
Finally taken into the talons of one of the tripod beastie thingies, both Cruise and the little cow-eyed girl are tossed in a cage that the aliens use to hold them until they are ready to eat. A nasty looking tentacle comes down into the cage, grabs it\’s prey, and pulls it into it\’s synthetic-looking spongy-red belly thingamajig. Get the picture? It\’s actually pretty funny.
Cruise becomes desert, and as others are holding on to his feet to keep him from being totally digested, he grabs a grenade (just happened to bring them with), inserts it in the belly of the beast, pulls the pin, and is subsequently rescued from a slimy death. Boom boom, out go the lights. The beastie explodes, the cage containing Cruise and other personages falls from incredible heights (of course no one is hurt) and off they go. Boston beckons.
Cut to Boston. They have arrived and the aliens appear to be dying. The military is gathering up for an assault and Cruise points out that birds are landing on a tripod. The force field must be gone. Doh. Why didn\’t the military leaders think of that. Tom saves the day with his keen observations.
The tripods are blown to smithereens. The aliens die. Millions of people are dead, but the kids are reunited with their mommy and undoubtedly live happily ever after. Or in intense psychological counseling forevermore.
So what exactly killed the aliens? At first, one was led to believe that perhaps they were like a Borg collective. When Tommyboy blew up one, perhaps they were all affected. But that would be stupid, right?
Or perhaps the 30-second narrative at the end (voiced by Morgan Freeman) told the real story. It leads you to believe that the aliens had no immunity to viruses and bacteria, so they died. Um, but that\’s also stupid. Let me get this straight. The aliens had been hatching this plan for a million years, and they never thought to check out the atmosphere? Sigh. There really is no intelligent life out there. Or in Hollywood.
A few people applauded when the movie was over. My mom commented these are probably the same people who applaud when an airplane lands. Shaking it off, I made my way to the door to find my brain that I had to leave on the way in.
The moral of the story? If you are going to have aliens attack the planet earth, sneeze on them to defend yourself. And… Will Smith kicks alien butt better than Tom Cruise.