Pirates of the Caribbean – A Review

Mary and I had a date night on Friday and went to see Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl. Having grown up with the DisneyWorld ride that the movie is derived from, I was curious to see the film. While reviews have been mixed, the public has spoken by making it a summer blockbuster.

I went with an open mind, very much wanting to be entertained. I wasn\’t. I was downright bored and fidgety through the bulk of the film. While watching, I wondered to myself if I had just become cynical about the movies, or if I really had a reason to be bored. Afterwards, I asked Mary what she thought. \”I was kinda bored\”, was her reply, confirming that I was not alone in my assessment.

So what was wrong with Pirates? Everything but the beautiful locations and fx of people morphing into skeletons when the moonlight hit them. Other than that, there was no plot to keep your attention, terrible character development, average action sequences, repetitive special effects, and less twists than piece of plywood. Add to that the grueling 143 minute length and I find it puzzling that people actually have made this movie a box office winner.

Check out the peoples\’ reviews at metacritic. It is astounding that there are those who called this movie \”Awesome!\” In fact, I heard some people saying those exact words as we were leaving the theater.

Don\’t get me wrong. I WANTED to have fun. The movie was not fun. I pondered the movie a bit afterwards, attempting to figure out where they went wrong and what is reminded me of. As I thought, the words \”bad children\’s movie that is inappropriate for children\” came to mind. I wouldn\’t take my kids to see this movie because of the scary factor, but it reminded me of such Disney pablum as \”The Little Mermaid 2\”, \”Peter Pan: Return to Neverland\” and \”The Jungle Book 2\”. All of these films hoped to capture an audience by leaning on the original\’s success. Every one of them failed to do so because of incredibly lame storyline, poor or average songs, and because they had nothing new to offer.

\”Pirates\” failed to capture my imagination and attention because it was written on a 6-year old level. And it was written POORLY. Even poor Johnny Depp as Captain Jack Sparrow, who with his foolish behavior has still managed to be a drawing card for this film, was so out of place that I was never sure what the filmmakers wanted us to think. Apparantly people like his cavalier attitude and witty quips, but I found them to be childish and un-funny.

The few enjoyable moments came when the film did a nod towards the classic ride. The song (Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate\’s life for me…), the scallawags behind bars attempting to lure the puppy with the key to the cell, the drunken pirate chasing the fair maiden, as well as a few other moments, brought a smile to my face as I recalled the precise scene from the ride. Other than that? Shiver me timbers, matey!

So what does this say about the movie-going public? I have my own conclusions, and unfortunately, none are complimentary. As it is, I have already spent too much time reviewing this movie. So in honor of its incredibly poorly written script, this review will remain a first draft. Dead men tell no tales…